Happy New Year!

I know it's not January 1! However, I feel like it's the beginning of a new year for me. This weekend, I went to Boston (well, actually Lowell, MA which is about 30 miles outside of Boston) and coordinated my final Living Proof Live event for 2010. My first event of 2011 is in April. That means I have 6 months before another event. I do have a couple of more travel conferences in the next month, but the intensity of coordinating an event is behind me for 2010.

So, I made a list tonight of things I want to be intentional about doing and getting into a strong habit of doing for the next 6 months. As friends, you can help keep me accountable. Here's my top 6 projects for the next 6 months:

1. Plan the best birthday party a 4 yr. old could ever have! That includes finishing my sewing project for Claire's November 1st birthday. (I can't wait to post pictures).
2. Return to weekly attendance of our Wednesday night church activities
3. Exercise. To be specific, I would like to start running again and dabble in either yoga or pilates.
4. Start shopping for Christmas! Well, and actually catch up on 2010 neglected birthday presents (Sorry Gran and Owen, it's coming).
5. Take control over my nutrition due to being off of Remicade. Which includes more cooking and attempting new recipes. STOP eating Mexican!!!
6. Clean, clean, clean! Oh, this may be my favorite. I can't wait to have a sparkling home again! Most likely, just in time to decorate for Christmas and get it all dirty again!

What are your fall/winter goals? I am so good at making goals in January. But I think October is as good of a time for goal-setting as any month.

I Believe

When I was a senior in high school, I was given an English assignment to write a first-person perspective paper on my summer. That summer, our family had celebrated the marriage of my one and only, older sister. As you can imagine, and I experienced first-hand 11 years when I got married, it was an all-consuming summer of wedding details. I was quite the baby of the family and acted the role 100% that entire summer. I wanted nothing to do with the wedding, the showers, the festivities (until the day of the wedding when all of these handsome college guys showed up that were friends of my sister and brother-in-law). When I wrote that paper 2 months later, I aired all of my griefs toward that wedding. And guess what? The teacher posted THOSE papers on the bulletin board for parent-teacher night. My mother was appalled. She still shakes her head about it to this day!

Where am I going? I feel like this post may be too honest, one that I might be appalled at later due to my lack of faith; however, more importantly, I pray that it will minister to someone walking a similar road - now or in the future.

I have written a little along the way on this blog about being diagnosed with Crohn's disease about 18 months ago. The journey has been nearly a 3 year journey as symptoms were there, but we couldn't put our finger on the diagnosis 100%. For the past 15 months, I have been on a high-powered drug to offset the symptoms; however, it doesn't get to the root of the cause of this disease. So once I go off this very expensive and heavy-laden-with-side-effects drug, the symptoms will most likely come back. It has been a journey for our family as we have prayed and wrestled with whether to be on the medicine. In the 15 months I have been on the medicine, I have felt better; however, the thoughts and fears always are looming that this chronic disease will be with me forever and effect my quality of life. I have cried out to the Lord for healing realizing that healing could either be COMPLETE healing from the disease from the Lord or it could be healing through on-going use of medicine or many alternatives in between.

I have struggled off and on in my faith that God would truly heal all my disease.

I have also written about our new business venture. It has been such a joy to watch my husband take ownership over this, the leadership/communication/inter-personal skills he has developed in such a short time. It is my greatest delight to see people pleased with what he does. Greater more, my delight at seeing him pleased at what he does. It has also been hard. I haven't always been the supportive wife and partner that I have been called to be. I have mentioned in previous posts that Bill is a man of great faith. He doesn't doubt that God will do what He says He will do (thanks Beth Moore and "Believing God"). Bill absolutely, 100% believes that the Lord led us into this season of being owners of a construction/excavating company and that He will not abandon us. Many nights as we sit down for supper, Bill will look at me and say, "He gave us our manna today. Just enough."

I have struggled off and on in my faith that God would truly be our portion.

Claire, in the past 4-5 months, has been given us FITS. I am not ashamed to admit that she has a stronger personality that both her mother and her father. I have never wanted to squelch the personality that God has created in her. That personality amuses me many days and I am assured that God is raising up a mighty leader that won't take no for an answer. But that personality also has me finding great joy in tenderizing meat with a meat tenderizer or has me beating a wiffle ball bat against our bedroom floor (I'm not kidding about that one)! Bill and I, many times, have looked at each other and thrown our hands up admitting we have no idea how to parent this gift from God. I am happy to report that this tide has shifted in the past 3 weeks. Prior to those three weeks, I thought all three of us were going to lose our minds and join the circus. Have you ever read the children's book "You Are My I Love You"? It is a sweet book that talks about the extremes of parent and child. One page reads, "I am your parent, you are my child. I am your calm, you are my wild." That is our story!

I have struggled off and on in my faith that God would truly calm my little 'raging sea'.

And being completely honest here, of lately, I have struggled to understand how any of the above matters and how God could care about these little inconveniences in MY life. As I have walked the journey with a best friend who has a 2 1/2 year old son who has been fighting brain cancer for the past year, walking with women day in and day out in my women's ministry position who deal with infertility, terminal illness, bankruptcy, failed marriages, addictions and on and on.

I have struggled, more so than not, in my faith that God holds my every moment, that He holds MY world in His hands and cares for me as much as these others.

And then, out of the blue, I listened to a song that I am sure our event worship leader, Travis Cottrell, has sung many times at our events. When I heard it, I about ran off of the road trying to find paper to scribble the lyrics down because it was my thoughts...word for word.

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging sea

You walk with me through fire

You heal all my disease

I trust in you, I trust in you

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Nothing is impossible for You, Nothing is impossible.

Nothing is impossible for You, You hold my world in Your hands.

(from the song "Healer")

In my heart, I truly believe that God is powerful enough to take care of all of these things. However, I also know that God allows many circumstances into our lives to build our faith in Him. And that is the case for me! I would love to say that as I have walked through some fiery situations, that I gave all glory to God. I, sadly, can't. However, I know that with each trial, my faith gets a tad bit stronger.

Although We See No Wind or Rain

We jokingly say in our family that I am the Chief Financial Officer of our family (handle the finances, Type A personality to the point of being OCD) and Bill is the Chief Operations Officer of our family (the hard-working dreamer, takes one day at a time). In our first years of marriage, some of the biggest struggles we had would be from his "dreaming" and my squelching those dreams and giving him a reality-check.

I always knew that Bill dreamed of owning his own company. Since he was in the field of construction and built our first two homes, I always assumed he would be a general contractor one day although his strength and expertise in this field was the heavy-equipment, excavating and digging utilities. As he dreamed of being on his own, I was always more comfortable with the liability being on someone else's shoulders and I was comfortable with both of us working for someone else.

God doesn't always like for us to be in our comfort zones.

Late this past winter, the construction work scarcity finally hit middle TN. For a couple of weeks, Bill was getting fewer and fewer hours from his boss, who owned his small construction company that built higher-end homes. Just as Bill was filling out unemployment papers and applying to Home Depot just to keep a job, the Lord turned a chapter in our lives.

One morning, my devotion was on 2 Kings 3:16-17:

"Then [Elisha] said, "This is what the LORD says: 'Dig ditch after ditch in this stream.' For the LORD says, 'You will not see wind or rain, but the stream will be filled with water, and you will drink - you and your cattle and your animals.' This is easy in the LORD's sight. He will also hand Moab over to you."

The devotion spoke more on spiritual blessings. I hid the truths in my heart that morning. Memorizing the verse as best as I could and promising myself to expect the unexpected in my spiritual life that day.

As I was driving to work, Bill called me. Just that morning, his boss had approached him about purchasing the excavating equipment (a dump truck, dozier, backhoe, skid steer and misc. equipment) and going out on his own.

I know the next few minutes were nothing of what Bill expected. I chuckled in the phone and recited in my mind the verses I had just memorized this morning (dig ditch after ditch [excavating is digging ditches]...you'll neither see the wind nor the rain [this is a very hard economic time...it didn't make sense to go into business for ourselves], but the streams will be filled...this is easy in the sight of the LORD).

Bill was astonished by my reaction and the words that I told him about 2 Kings. He is a man of great faith and believes God will do the impossible, despite a hardening economy, despite the downturn in the housing industry. So Bill had been praying, unbeknownst to me, for some time that God would provide us with an opportunity to start our own excavating business. However, he knew his first prayer would need to be that his wife (that's me!) would be open to the idea!

We were amazed at how both of us, the dreamer and the realist, were both on the same spiritual page. We were going to have to go against conventional wisdom and do this. Everything in our day and times told us purchasing heavy construction equipment and going out on our own was foolish. We had been dreaming of me coming home from work soon, and were in the midst of making some adjustments to our 2 income lifestyle. Adding this equipment debt would not accomplish those goals as soon as we thought, but we both knew that all of our dreams were easy in the sight of the LORD!

It hasn't been a cake-walk these first few months of being a small business owner. The flood hit Nashville and knocked us off the grid for a couple of weeks, but then God provided work in helping people re-build after the flood. I often re-read that devotion. One portion says, "It is not the part of faith to question, but to obey. The ditches were made, and the water came pouring in from some supernatural source."

"Oh, for that faith that can act by faith and not by sight, and expect God to work although we see no wind or rain." --A.B. Simpson

A Fresh Start

Last Sunday afternoon, Bill and I took Claire to meet her new teachers at NCS. I felt a lump in my throat as a read her class name, Pre-K Transition, realizing that if you drop "Pre" and "Transition", our baby will be in Kindergarten. Only 2 short years.

The classrooms looked so fresh, she had a new folder for new projects. New teachers, new (and some old) friends, new procedures...thus I thought it was a great opportunity for me to have some new-ness in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I started working with a Wellness Coach. Her name is Janis and she is the sister of one of my co-workers. Janis is "coaching" me for free in order to finish some credits, so it was a perfect opportunity for me to jump at such an opportunity. Janis and I had been talking for a couple of weeks about some changes I wanted to make/implement. She never tells me what to do. She just has this uncanny way of drawing it out of me and then asks me how I am going to put that change into place and be successful.

In addition to Claire's new school year and my wellness coaching, Bill and I decided for me to take a break from Remicade. This is the drug that I have been on for 1 year, every 8 weeks for the diagnosis of Crohn's Disease that I received 18 months ago. Remicade had caused some scary side-effects since I have been on it. Nothing horrific, but just enough to scare this non-medicine taking girl! As I walked out of the doctor's office last Tuesday, there was a pep in my step. Although Remicade makes me feel better, I believe that as long as I was on the medicine, I would have a dark cloud over me reminding me that I had this disease.

If all of these changes hasn't been enough, I also started the task of couponing for our family. Yes, I was the cynical one, the critical one that despite hearing my friends testimonies of how much money they were saving, I believed my time was much more valuable than the money I would save at the check-out with coupons. However, it has become necessary, due largely to starting our own company 5 months ago, for me to save wherever I can. At this point in our lives, my time doesn't matter and this is one additional way I can help invest in our future!

All of these changes have sometimes felt overwhelming. Especially as I am sitting up alone late at night on the couponing websites as everyone else in the house sleeps. But, oh, how good it feels when I check-out and gradually increase my check-out savings (my best record is saving 54%). But changes are also empowering. They give you energy when they are accomplished.

What changes have you made or do you need to make in your life? I am still making a list and hope to update you soon!

My Own "Comedy of Errors"

Last Friday, if I can say so myself, I was looking quite summery and "cute" in a new Oxford-style shirt dress that I had picked up at Talbot's in their close-out summer sale. I LOVE, love, love Talbot's, but rarely afford myself the luxury of such nice clothes. But I love the classic, timeless look they continue to present to today's shopper!

Enough about Talbots, this post is about me!

It had been a hard Friday at the office, some intense conversations, hard decisions, and my head was pounding. I don't have headaches often, so for all I know, this could have been a tee-tiny headache in the book of headaches or it could have been a migraine. All I know is that I wanted to close my eyes and throw up!

So, despite looking cute, I head home when quittin' time came and just felt plum bad. I picked up Claire from school and prayed that she would have grace and mercy on me and just be really quiet on the way home. All was good until I made a left turn out of the school parking lot.

She wanted to go right today!

And the screaming started. And the crying. And the heartbreaking wailing of me not turning right.

I begged her, "Claire, Mommy has a really, REALLY bad headache. Please quit crying. Please quit yelling at me. I am about to throw up."

My pleas did not work. So against all parenting advise, I started pleading...with a bribe.

"Claire, you know that grocery store on the road that me and you are usually scared to pull into. I'll pull into it today and get you WHATEVER you want if you will stop crying!"

The store in conversation is named Eddie's Market and it's the type of market that probably has really nice people working in it (found out that was so later) but just looks a little too sketchy from the outside.

We went and Claire was excited to pick out a Orange Sherbert Push-Up and a Grape Crush. I got a Heath Bar (because that makes headaches go away...didn't you know that )!

We went to pay and the young lady behind the counter was so sweet to Claire. I even heard myself saying that we might have to come back since she was so nice.

So Claire and I headed out the door. As I exited the door, being held by a man without a shirt on and another shady looking fella, my white high-heeled sandal hung in the door mat.

And down I went.

Yes, in my new, cute blue dress. (I tried my best to keep my dignity in tact).

The nice, but still shady-looking, gentleman, handed me my shoe and asked me if I was okay. Claire gathered up my wallet, drink and candybar and then asked me why I fell down!!!!

We got in the vehicle with my pride shattered (swearing never again to go to Eddie's) and head throbbing. As we pull onto the interstate, Claire was silent and I thought "I can make it home!"

Claire starts slowly, softly, but ever growing panic in her voice, yelling "Mommy!"

As I looked back at her, I realized instead of "pushing up" the Push-Up, she pulled the stick out! So there she was holding the cardboard cylinder and the stick with the ice cream on her lap. So I quickly handed over driving to my knees, grabbed all three items and re-assembled the push up (please recall with me...as I didn't recall in the moment...that not too many years ago I took a drive off the road and broke my back due to trying to do something similar for my precious little girl...how many times does one girl need to break her back to remember that).

So, Push-Up was re-assembled and I look down to see many plops of sherbert on my new, cute, blue dress.

As we head on down the interstate, Claire asks for her Grape Crush. Without thinking about the tumble I just took on the side-walk, I opened the Crush...only for it to spew all over...you got it, my cute, new, blue dress.

So, you may ask, how is the dress! I'm not sure. It's dry clean only and I haven't had time to get to the dry cleaners.

July is Quickly Coming to an End

I can hardly believe that July is coming to an end. I longed for vacation for so long and now that it is over, it feels like the summer is over! I have had such a quiet summer with traveling for work and I know that August-November will be the price I will pay for being home so much (I calculated that I will be away from home 30 days from the first of August to the first of November).

About vacation...we had a fabulous time. I had two goals when I left for vacation: make memories for Claire (we did) and decompress from work and some other things that were sitting heavy on my emotional shoulders (check!) and spend some significant quality time with God. I was able to do all of this and came back so spiritually and emotionally refreshed.

I have to show you a picture (bad as it may be) of Claire in her "bikino". She was so cute in it.

And one of her and her number 1 man building a "Sand Truck"

And one of her in MY favorite bathing suit!

The "little fish" learned how to swim on vacation. She had the full attention of grandparents, aunt, uncle and 2 cousins! It was just a great week!

As soon as we got back on Sunday afternoon, our church's VBS started Sunday night. So we were off and running. It felt, by the end of the week, that all of the benefits of vacation were out the door; however, as life has slowed back down this week, I feel myself loosening up and reaping the benefits of vacation.

I'll, hopefully, tell you more, later, about what's been going on in The Cato House lately.

Gone Fishin'

When I married Bill six short years ago, I knew very little about being a sportsman. I thought being a "sportsman" was playing basketball, softball and any other sport in between. My dad was a "sportsman" in my sense of the definition, but he never hunted or fished.

Then Bill Cato enters the picture and my life forever. I remember our first Christmas together. We went to my home for Thanksgiving for him to meet my parents. While there, I tried to "impress" him by taking him to some real sportsmen's stores with guns, camo, bows, arrows and the like. My mother had already hinted that she wanted me to be on the look-out for him a Christmas present from them (I think they knew that when I brought a boy home, it was the real deal). So, as he looked around, I drew a diagram of the store and labeled everything that he liked because I knew just the names of the items would be as foreign to my mom as they were to me. Oh, how I wish I had that store diagram today! I have since lost my zeal for the occasional trip to the outdoors store...in 6 short years!

All that to preface, I have become quite the wife of a sportsmen...in 6 short years. I can spot a turkey and a deer long before he can. I know several different patterns of camo and why there has to be so many different patterns. I know that neoprene matters in duck hunting. I have learned a little bit about crank baits, jigs and other fishing lures. I know that the way to my husband's heart on a Christmas morning after a year of him caring for a sickly wife and their 3 year old little girl is to have a rifle, bow and muzzle loader all three under the tree for him. I've learned quite a bit in six short years.

Two weekends ago, we loaded up the fishing boat and headed to the nearest body of water...all three of us. I would have to say that Claire was only second to Bill by a short distance in their excitement level. I was excited too, but nothing like those two. It was a beautiful Saturday and we decided to go after Claire's afternoon nap, so it was such a peaceful time on the water after most everyone else was gone.

Claire had her Barbie fishing pole ready to go. Bill baited it with a minnow. With his help, she cast her line out in the water and she must have cast it right into the mouth of a fish because immediately she had a catch pulling at her line. We were all ecstatic. (I'll post the picture when I get home!). Bill caught several but only one big enough to keep, so he gave that fish a pardon from the fish fryer. Me...I caught none. Claire kind of looked down her nose at me, she apparently believes she's the better fisherman!!! I'll let her believe it!!!

So, if you can't find us on Knottingham Drive, we'll be on the "big ole water" catching our dinner!!! Come join us!

Frustrated!

One morning, I was feeling really sorry for myself and my plot (the plot I helped create) as a full-time, work-outside-the-home mom… and thus, that morning, I was cynical about everything.

Before I continue, I need you to hear my heart’s desire. God, this year, has gradually been turning this “career-minded” gal’s heart toward things of home. I’m still a full-time working mom with a 2 hour commute (sorry, I slipped into feeling sorry for myself again), but I am starting to yearn for the day that I get to take my turn at being a full-time, working-inside-the-home mom. God’s timing is perfect!

And also hear that one of my pet-peeves throughout the 3 years I have been a full-time working-outside-the-home mom is the criticism I have received from some well-intentioned people criticizing, judging, telling me it makes them so sad when they see a child outside a daycare being cared by someone other than their mother…sorry, cynical again. The one thing I have learned, undoubtedly, in this 3 year journey, is don’t put motherhood into a cookie cutter. Don’t judge moms and the decisions they have or have not made, the decisions you agree or disagree about. My prayer is that we can just encourage one another in our journey of motherhood.

So, all that to say, I wrote the following with much envy toward my working-inside-the-home friends. And, what is to follow is my more cynical side. A weaker side. A defensive side. A side that came crashing forward when I read an article from a full-time working-inside-the-home mom feeling sorry for herself (which I will be one day) explaining her day before noon. My tale, is a tale that was written in the car one day (on that 2 hour round trip commute) when I had had it up to here (hands waving above my head) of my own plot in life! So, here you go…

4:45 am First alarm goes off, Bill hits snooze
5:00 am Second alarm goes off, Bill hits snooze, I roll over to realize it’s storming outside. Wonder if the thunder is going to wake up Claire. Drift back off to sleep as I pull up the covers and think how Bill said we would both feel like “champs” if we got up early.
5:15 am Snooze alarm goes off again. Bill rolls out to go walk the dog. I get up and start my quiet time.
6:00 am Jump in the shower, amazed that the storm still has not woken Claire up
6:15 am Washing hair, eyes shut, hear a sweet little voice “Good Morning Mommy”. Claire is with Bill. Bill asks where the new construction account debit card and pin are. I tell him. Think to myself, “we are really heading out on our own.” Say a little prayer. They head to kitchen to get breakfast. I get out of the shower.
6:30 am Dressed with hair up in a towel, no make-up yet. Clothes are the typical iron-free type. Pants have probably already been worn this week. Think I need a new wardrobe. Think I need to lose 20 before I get a new wardrobe.
6:35 am Standing in kitchen. Decide to find the debit card and pin for him. Oh, almost forgot the paperwork for the dr appt. today. Go to browning pot roast on the stovetop, cutting up carrots and potatoes to go in the crockpot with pot roast. Go on and plug the crockpot in and turn it on low. Last time I used crockpot, I got home and realized I never plugged it up. That meal was ruined. Giving Bill the run down of the evening. Gran has a pampered chef party, roast will be for supper, Claire is tugging on Bill saying she would really like to go to Su-Su’s to see the horses.
6:45 am Bill and Claire sitting at the table eating cereal. Bribe Claire that she can have some cookie dough if she eats all of her cereal (she doesn’t). Never noticed that we never gave her milk (will be reminded of it in the car later). I run back to the bathroom to take my hair down and scrunch it to wear it curly (well, wavy) today. The easiest hair-do!
7:00 am Back to kitchen to kiss Bill good-bye. Claire reminds him that he forgot his breakfast bar. He grabs it and heads out the door. She has a melt-down as soon as the door shuts. We go to the door to watch him leave. Gunner (the dog) bumped into him, he spilt his coffee all over the garage. I see the frustration rising. Bill bends down to tie his boots. Gunner takes off with his breakfast bar. Bill yells at the dog. Chases him around the car. The dog is more tricky. I see the fumes rising. I head down the steps to trap the dog. I got the bar, dog jumps up on me, dirt all over my twice-worn-this-week black slacks. Didn’t notice until later. Head back upstairs to get Bill another bar.
7:05 Bill is in the truck. We are back in the house. Claire begs for me to eat cereal with her. I sit down, she heads to the bedroom to look for her “sprinkler jeans”. I’m eating alone. She comes back when I’m done. Wants me to work a puzzle with her. Have to deny her. I look at the clock and know that I’m going to be late today.
7:10 Blow drying hair to make it wavy. Can tell I waited too long to dry it…it’s not going to be a pretty wave. Put on make-up. Decide to wear contacts today. Maybe that will distract from my hair.
7:25 All ready to go. Claire mozies in with sprinkler jeans on but no top. Hurry her to get top on. She wants to wear winter hat and gloves despite it being 55 out right now. Don’t argue! It’s not a hill to die on. Head to kitchen. Thinking if we hurry, maybe I can be on time.
7:30 Oh no, lunch. Must fix lunch. Committed to not spending anymore money on eating out. Throw some lettuce in a bowl and some fruit. Yum :)
7:43 Out the door. On the road for my hour commute. Claire starts crying that she’s hungry and never had her milk. Shoot, horrible mom! Give her a piece of gum. Talk to her in the car. Check blackberry messages to see if there are any pressing issues at work. Wonder if it is also illegal to read emails while driving. I don’t text! Watching the clock carefully. There is a small chance I will be on time.
8:12 Pull up to Claire’s school. Unbuckle her as we get into the parking lot. Prepare her to jump out of the car as soon as we stop. We must hurry. I have to be at work at 8:30.
8:13 We jump out of the car (and into a puddle). Oh well. Hurry inside. Hug. Kiss. Hug. Kiss. See you later. She’s happy to see her friends.
8:16 Back in the car. Think to myself that school zone time has passed. Saves me a minute of slowing down. Pull onto Old Hickory. Can see the interstate. Uh-oh. Slow rolling.
8:30 Blackberry reminder that I have a meeting with boss at 9:00. Same boss that reminded us lately that we need to be in the office no later than 8:30. I can see downtown, but I’m not in the office.
8:37 Walking down the hall to my office. Boss is coming out of her office (next to mine). As I approach my door, she doesn’t see me…she’s looking at her watch and looking at my door. I laugh to myself…this will be perfect for the story I’m about to spend 10 more minutes typing. Say I’m sorry as we pass in the hall.
8:40 Boot up my computer…10 minutes late and spend the next 10 minutes typing this!!!

The Sun is Shining...

thus I feel a new start coming on.

Because the sun is pouring through my office window, I feel like

cleaning house

reading blogs that have been neglected over the winter

dreaming of how to decorate my office

going for a walk in downtown Nashville

making my grocery list

visiting with co-workers

cleaning off my desk and then wiping it down with a Clorox wipe

doing anything but work!!!

I'm back! I have some funny Claire stories that I can't wait to catch you up on!