I Believe

When I was a senior in high school, I was given an English assignment to write a first-person perspective paper on my summer. That summer, our family had celebrated the marriage of my one and only, older sister. As you can imagine, and I experienced first-hand 11 years when I got married, it was an all-consuming summer of wedding details. I was quite the baby of the family and acted the role 100% that entire summer. I wanted nothing to do with the wedding, the showers, the festivities (until the day of the wedding when all of these handsome college guys showed up that were friends of my sister and brother-in-law). When I wrote that paper 2 months later, I aired all of my griefs toward that wedding. And guess what? The teacher posted THOSE papers on the bulletin board for parent-teacher night. My mother was appalled. She still shakes her head about it to this day!

Where am I going? I feel like this post may be too honest, one that I might be appalled at later due to my lack of faith; however, more importantly, I pray that it will minister to someone walking a similar road - now or in the future.

I have written a little along the way on this blog about being diagnosed with Crohn's disease about 18 months ago. The journey has been nearly a 3 year journey as symptoms were there, but we couldn't put our finger on the diagnosis 100%. For the past 15 months, I have been on a high-powered drug to offset the symptoms; however, it doesn't get to the root of the cause of this disease. So once I go off this very expensive and heavy-laden-with-side-effects drug, the symptoms will most likely come back. It has been a journey for our family as we have prayed and wrestled with whether to be on the medicine. In the 15 months I have been on the medicine, I have felt better; however, the thoughts and fears always are looming that this chronic disease will be with me forever and effect my quality of life. I have cried out to the Lord for healing realizing that healing could either be COMPLETE healing from the disease from the Lord or it could be healing through on-going use of medicine or many alternatives in between.

I have struggled off and on in my faith that God would truly heal all my disease.

I have also written about our new business venture. It has been such a joy to watch my husband take ownership over this, the leadership/communication/inter-personal skills he has developed in such a short time. It is my greatest delight to see people pleased with what he does. Greater more, my delight at seeing him pleased at what he does. It has also been hard. I haven't always been the supportive wife and partner that I have been called to be. I have mentioned in previous posts that Bill is a man of great faith. He doesn't doubt that God will do what He says He will do (thanks Beth Moore and "Believing God"). Bill absolutely, 100% believes that the Lord led us into this season of being owners of a construction/excavating company and that He will not abandon us. Many nights as we sit down for supper, Bill will look at me and say, "He gave us our manna today. Just enough."

I have struggled off and on in my faith that God would truly be our portion.

Claire, in the past 4-5 months, has been given us FITS. I am not ashamed to admit that she has a stronger personality that both her mother and her father. I have never wanted to squelch the personality that God has created in her. That personality amuses me many days and I am assured that God is raising up a mighty leader that won't take no for an answer. But that personality also has me finding great joy in tenderizing meat with a meat tenderizer or has me beating a wiffle ball bat against our bedroom floor (I'm not kidding about that one)! Bill and I, many times, have looked at each other and thrown our hands up admitting we have no idea how to parent this gift from God. I am happy to report that this tide has shifted in the past 3 weeks. Prior to those three weeks, I thought all three of us were going to lose our minds and join the circus. Have you ever read the children's book "You Are My I Love You"? It is a sweet book that talks about the extremes of parent and child. One page reads, "I am your parent, you are my child. I am your calm, you are my wild." That is our story!

I have struggled off and on in my faith that God would truly calm my little 'raging sea'.

And being completely honest here, of lately, I have struggled to understand how any of the above matters and how God could care about these little inconveniences in MY life. As I have walked the journey with a best friend who has a 2 1/2 year old son who has been fighting brain cancer for the past year, walking with women day in and day out in my women's ministry position who deal with infertility, terminal illness, bankruptcy, failed marriages, addictions and on and on.

I have struggled, more so than not, in my faith that God holds my every moment, that He holds MY world in His hands and cares for me as much as these others.

And then, out of the blue, I listened to a song that I am sure our event worship leader, Travis Cottrell, has sung many times at our events. When I heard it, I about ran off of the road trying to find paper to scribble the lyrics down because it was my thoughts...word for word.

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging sea

You walk with me through fire

You heal all my disease

I trust in you, I trust in you

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Nothing is impossible for You, Nothing is impossible.

Nothing is impossible for You, You hold my world in Your hands.

(from the song "Healer")

In my heart, I truly believe that God is powerful enough to take care of all of these things. However, I also know that God allows many circumstances into our lives to build our faith in Him. And that is the case for me! I would love to say that as I have walked through some fiery situations, that I gave all glory to God. I, sadly, can't. However, I know that with each trial, my faith gets a tad bit stronger.